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The life of a porn addicted housewife.

Monday, March 07, 2005

5 Lessons Learned - The Hard Way 

#1 Never talk on your cell phone while driving.
One day I was on my way home from work, happily chatting away on the cell phone (with Ap0k) when WHAMMO! I blew right through a red light.
I managed to miss one car, but was then t-boned by another right in the passenger door of my truck. In the end it involved a total of 4 vehicles. My truck was spun around; it jumped a median, and almost flipped over. Even though I was wearing my seatbelt, I still managed to hit every thing in the cab of the truck. Amazingly, no one was badly injured. I ended up with a bunch of bad bruises that were actually black instead of blue. I had a good sized knot on my forehead from the rearview mirror also. Remember, I was wearing my seatbelt!
Poor Ap0k about had a stroke I think. All he could do was sit there on the phone until I could find my cell phone. After I dug it out from under everything I told him where I was and he flew over. Somehow he managed to drive all the way across town in 7 minutes. If any of you know anything about our traffic, you will understand what a feat that was.
My poor truck was a totaled.
To this day I do not remember that light turning red!

#2 Never stick both your hand AND a rag inside a glass at the same time while washing dishes.
This one involved a trip to the hospital. I was home alone washing up the breakfast dishes when I stupidly crammed my hand and a dishrag into a glass. As I turned it I heard the glass break and felt it cut my hand open. I pulled my hand out and stuck it under the faucet, covering it up with a towel. It was hard for me to look down at it! When I sucked up the courage to take a look, all I could see was the towel with blood running out from under it. Gross! Still not looking at the cut, I wrapped the towel tightly around it and ran across the street to my neighbor’s house. She took one look at it and made me call Ap0k to come and take me to the hospital.
The funny part was, when the doctor came in he took one look at it and said, “Don’t tell me, a dish washing accident, right?” Come to find out that is a very common female accident that shows up in the emergency room quite often. Who knew?

#3 Never speed in front of a jail.
The only speeding ticket I have ever gotten was right in front of a county jail. The speed limit is only 35mph and I was doing about 50. A cop was actually hiding behind a tree and nabbed me as I was coming up on him. The silly man walked right into traffic to flag me down! Luckily for me he was a nice guy and said I was doing a slower speed so I didn’t get a massive ticket. The only thing that ticked me off over the whole ordeal was that the guy who was riding right on my butt didn’t get a ticket too. Not fair!

#4 Never watch scary movies.
I watched Psycho when I was little. To this day I still have shower problems. After I watched the movie, everyone in my house had to make sure to leave the shower curtains open or I wouldn’t go in the bathroom. When I take a shower now I get horribly claustrophobic and have to keep sticking my head out to breathe. Even though I trust him with my life, I can’t stand it when Ap0k stands outside the shower when I’m in it. Drives me crazy. Lame I know, but at least I admit it!

#5 Never offer to help young people pay their bills.
If your children or younger siblings lose their jobs, never offer to help them pay their bills because then they never seem to even try to get a new job. Offer to let them stay with you, offer to feed them, but never never offer money! You will be in the poor house before you know it. It’s funny how they have money to go to the mall, but as soon as the rent is due they are broke. If either of you read this, get a job!
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